Dear Keanu,

My kids are always pestering me to get all these newfangled gadgets like the iPhone...I don't see what all the fuss is about! Any advice?

Ruth in Ronkonkoma

Dear Ruth,

Your problem is not technology. The problem is you. You lack the will to change.

Mahalo,
Keanu

Dear Keanu,

Up until now, I've only dated women. (I'm a guy.) But I met this friend of a friend recently that I really like spending time with and would even consider dating. The thing is...he's also a guy. I'm so confused! What should I do?!

Bernie in Biloxi

Dear Bernie,

When something happens to you that hasn't happened before, don't you at least have to find out what it is?

Mahalo,
Keanu

Dear Keanu,

I think my husband's cheating on me. What do you think?

Lorelei in Little Rock

Dear Lorelei,

I don't think he's a nice person. I don't expect you to like him. He's been a terrible husband to all three of his wives; he's been a destructive force in the lives of his stepchildren; he's cheated the city, his partners, his employees. He's paid hundreds of thousands of dollars in penalties and fines over the years. I don't like him. I'm going to tell you some things during the course of this trial that are going to make you like him even less. But this isn't a popularity contest; it's a murder trial.

Mahalo,
Keanu

Dear Keanu,

I've got a great job that I really love, but the problem is that I barely make enough money to survive on. I know they value me as an employee, but I'm concerned that if I ask for a raise, they'll just cut me loose. What do I do?

Janet in LaCrosse

Dear Janet,

They'll negotiate; they're corporate.

Mahalo,
Keanu

Dear Keanu,

I'm really in a bind. My girlfriend wants to get married, but I've got cold feet. I love her, but I just don't think I'm ready for the commitment. Any words of wisdom?

Hal in Halifax

Dear Hal,

You gonna jump or jerk off?

Mahalo,
Keanu

Dear Keanu,

You always seem to have such good luck with the ladies. How can I be more like you?

Chester in North Carolina

Dear Chester,

I know kung fu.

Mahalo,
Keanu

Dear Keanu,

My boyfriend keeps complaining that our apartment is a mess, but he barely lifts a finger to clean it. What do I do?

Annie in Oakland

Dear Annie,

He's the asshole, Annie, the guy who puts us here. Remember that, ok?

Mahalo,
Keanu